To Each Their Own

Therapy is a unique relationship. Meaning it is about you and for you. I collaborate with you. I’m not the focus. I don’t direct. I walk alongside. I may guide for a bit. But you do the work. You’re in my office for 50 minutes each week. You are out in the world for the remaining (however many) minutes (I don’t care to do the math.).

Sometimes your work on the outside means:

-Clinging tight to the truth of who you are when it’s hard to believe.

-Holding on to hope and believing you will heal.

-Releasing yourself from old patterns.

-Surrender to the reality you cannot change others but you can change yourself.

-Developing and keeping healthy boundaries (knowing where you begin and end and where another begins and ends, separating yourself from unsafe and toxic people).

-Tearing down walls that prevent intimacy and being seen and known.

What is the work you’re doing? Might I be able to join you?

Cancel Celine

“You know, we have pieces of the people that have cared about us all through our lives, and they’re all part of us now. And so each one of us represents so many investments from others. No one of us is a lone.”

No disrespect to the reigning Canadian pop queen. We’ve all sung her ballad “All By Myself” for karaoke or ironically. I do think a lot of the time we do think we are all by ourselves. Being by myself (without any emotional support or nurture) is very different than the feeling of being lonely. I want to address the feeling. It’s valid. Full stop. AND we can also self-soothe that ache by identifying our connection to parts of others that are comforting, protective, nurturing, loving, kind, compassionate, supportive.

When I work with clients, sometimes I will ask them to identify people (or animals/pets) that represent for them nurture, protection, and wisdom, so that they can draw from them when they need to feel loved, safe and protected and direction and guidance. The people or pets can be real or imagined. You may have met them or may only know them from afar. For example, I’ve had clients choose characters from Harry Potter. Other therapists have told me people have used Oprah or Michelle Obama as nurturing figures even though they never met them. I personally use Aslan. It’s so powerful what happens when we connect to parts of others (real or imagined) that can be so reassuring. The amazing thing is that we carry that representation within us. We are doing the reassurance by receiving from ourselves what we need and want and providing it through the connections we created.

We are your figures? Who are the people who you reach for in moments of pain and hurt?

Our Shadow Side

“It intrigues me that great success is this brilliant light, but also every brilliant light creates a dark shadow. I think wisdom only comes when you can navigate both.”

— Sting

If you've spent much time with me via this blog, you're well familiar with my philosophy that we learn to hide/cast away parts of us (personality traits, emotions, desires) that have been directly or indirectly deemed unacceptable. Those unacceptable parts are shamed deeply affecting our mental and emotional health. This collection of cast offs results in the formation of the shadow. What Carl Jung describes as the "dark" side of being human.

We decide that we only present the respectable part of our personality and hide the socially unacceptable parts of us which ultimately gets buried in our unconscious.

No one is without their own shadow. But the difference is one's awareness of their shadow. 

If we're not aware of what is happening within, it contributes to "self destructive behaviors so many individuals struggle with and are unable to control despite consciously knowing they would be better off not engaging in such actions...The task in life which thus confronts everyone is to become conscious of and integrate one’s shadow into one’s conscious personality: accepting it with open arms not as an abhorrent aspect of one’s self, but as a necessary and vital part of one’s being." (Academy of Ideas)

Way easier said than done. I am aware. I've said it before and I'll continue to say it: this process is not for the faint of heart. You must truly long for wholeness because only then will you work towards it. Many are unwilling. And they settle for an unexamined life becoming shells. 

“We must be willing to see ourselves as we really are, not someone we assume or fantasize of being.”

However, for those who dare venture to look they'll discover the shadow isn't all bad as we would like to believe (it would be easier if it was because it would justify keeping it in the basement). Recall that we hide any part of us that isn't acceptable to others. These can be positive traits: sensitivity, compassion, creativity, intellect, the list goes on. These aspects that would "lead to greater wholeness and harmony" are met with condemnation from others (family, peers, society) and in order to belong, away they went. 

“When positive traits are relegated to the shadow, one is by necessity less than one could be...growth of the individual becomes blocked, and life becomes sterile. ”

— Academy of Ideas

In order to grow, we must accept those parts we've been afraid to recognize. Growth requires more than mere acknowledgement or awareness. We must be willing to see ourselves as we really are, not someone we assume or fantasize of being. Take an honest assessment. And that's where the real growth can begin take root. As you become aware, you can then internally negotiate which parts lead to wholeness and which parts detract. Because they are no longer hidden, you are able to determine what and who you want to be. You are not bound by the fear of what might be hidden in the shadows because you've taken your flashlight and revealed the truth. 

This is why you will hear therapist after therapist describe their clients as some of the most courageous people they know. They risk for the sake of growth and truly living an engaged and present life. 

Will you join their ranks?

Gratitude & Growth

"Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us- and those around us- more effectively. Look for the learning." Louisa May Alcott

Fifi made the list! My good friend, Ashley, texted me and told me her 2-year-old son, who affectionately calls me "Fifi" mentioned me in his prayers. Not only did I get a mention but I was first (a spot reserved solely for his dad). Ashley and her husband are teaching Jack to be thankful. Each night, he lists off the people/things (inanimate objects) for whom/which he is thankful. They are cultivating character development in this little person. That is the most significant thing happening.  In addition, Jack's brain is forming neuronal networks that are building a sturdy foundation that will serve him well when he begins to face difficult and disappointing things in life.

Last week, I came across this article on gratitude protecting against PTSD with the tagline, "In the aftermath of trauma, gratitude helps us grow". As someone who specializes in working with trauma, my curiosity piqued. (I define trauma the way Dr. Tina Bryson does, "anything immediately and overwhelmingly difficult" which will be different for different people. What is traumatic for me, may not be for you, but it does not make it any less traumatic.)

Trauma rocks us to the core and shatters our sense of safety (hence, the definition: immediately and overwhelmingly difficult). It causes us to seek a new belief system as we try to understand why this terrible thing happened and what it means for our worldview.

Post-traumatic growth (PTG), developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD, is the psychological concept that the transformation following trauma leads to "develop[ing] new understandings of themselves, the world they live in, how to relate to other people, the kind of future they might have and a better understanding of how to live life" (Tedeschi).

“Post-Traumatic Growth can provide a framework that trauma is not defining and a newfound hope can arise from the ashes of pain.”

"Post-Traumatic Growth happens in the season after the trauma, when some people start to feel thankful to be alive, thankful that the trauma wasn’t even worse, and grateful for the chance to learn more about themselves," reporter Athena Dickau writes. Post-Traumatic Growth does NOT minimize or negate the trauma. This does NOT mean you must be thankful for the actual trauma.  It also is not to be misunderstood as the goal to achieve and bypassing necessary processing of the trauma. Rather PTG can provide a framework that trauma is not defining and a newfound hope can arise from the ashes of pain. 

In her article, Dickau highlighted a study conducted by researchers Julie Vieselmeyer and colleagues. The team sought to "discover whether gratitude can actually protect someone from the detrimental effects of witnessing trauma". They interviewed 359 students and faculty that were present or nearby during the campus shooting at Seattle Pacific University.

The results of the study showed that the individuals who already had higher levels of gratitude before the shooting were better able to turn their post-traumatic stress into growth. Dickau points out, "This is actually quite profound. It suggests that if we can help ourselves and others feel more grateful on a daily basis, we can actually prime ourselves to handle the trauma that life will inevitably bring."

“If we can help ourselves and others feel more grateful on a daily basis, we can actually prime ourselves to handle the trauma that life will inevitably bring.”

— Athena Dickau

Just like Ashley is teaching Jack to cultivate thankfulness we, too, must do the same.

Professor Robert E. Emmons defines gratitude as such: “Feelings of gratitude are anchored in two essential pieces of information processed by an individual: (a) an affirming of goodness or ‘good things’ in one’s life and (b) the recognition that the sources of this goodness lie at least partially outside ourselves.”

"So gratitude is recognizing that our life is a gift, no matter our circumstances and realizing that this goodness does not come from our efforts alone," writes Dickau.

As one study instructed participants, we also must "focus for a moment on benefits or gifts that you have received in your life. These gifts could be simple everyday pleasures, people in your life, personal strengths or talents, moments of natural beauty, or gestures of kindness from others. We might not normally think about these things as gifts, but that is how we want you to think about them. Take a moment to really savor or relish these gifts, think about their value, and then write them down every night before going to sleep.”

I would imagine that as gratitude deepens, you'll find positive responses in the areas that define Post-Traumatic Growth:

• Appreciation of life
• Relationships with others
• New possibilities in life
• Personal strength
• Spiritual change

May we be people defined, not by our tragedies, but by our response to them.

{If you have yet to process your pain, my invitation awaits to sit and journey with you towards a healing transformation where meaning can be made of what has occurred. Please do not hesitate to contact me.} 

Honest Assessments

Let's just dive in, shall we? Travis Bradberry notes that, "Emotionally intelligent people don't just understand emotions; they know what they're good at and what they're terrible at. They also know who pushes their buttons and the environments (both situations and people) that enable them to succeed. Having a high EQ means you know your strengths and how to lean into and use them to your full advantage while keeping your weaknesses from holding you back."

“Those with a high EQ know and accept themselves. ”

In summary, those with a high EQ know and accept themselves. They are honest with who they are and don't hide it from themselves or others. Which is a bold move.

Our culture promotes strengths and shames weaknesses and we have internalized this to the detriment of our own emotional health. You are not allowed to be weak. Weakness is viewed as a liability. So we learn to hide it or seek to compensate for the areas of which we are ashamed. 

When the StrengthsFinder personality assessment came on the scene several years ago, it turned everything around. It allowed for people to accept the areas they were not naturally strong and pay attention to where they were naturally gifted and talented. The example author Tom Rach gives is that not everyone can be Michael Jordan. I will never be Michael Jordan even if I practice 16 hours a day; I simply do not have what is needed (the natural ability, the height, etc.) to play at that level of perfection. Instead of trying to be him, can I divert that level of energy and commitment to hone in on and improve the skills that I already have? 

There must be an acceptance of natural limitations which can be difficult. We may dream of the type of person we want to be or believe we should be and to find that reality doesn't reflect our fantasy can be painful. We can fight it. We can try to be what we think should be. But you can only do so by shaming yourself for not living into what this fantasy is. 

What if you take an honest look in the mirror, bravely accept that you are finite and limited as a human in what you can do? What if you take stock of the incredible strengths you've been given, celebrate those, and cultivate them? 

Oh, the real and available possibilities...

Accepting The Unacceptable

“The art of life is constant readjustment to our surroundings.”

— Kakuzo Okakaura

We're still looking at Emotional Intelligence...and we'll be looking at it for a few weeks. Next up: Those who have high EQ embrace change.

Travis Bradberry explains this attribute this way: "Emotionally intelligent people are flexible and are constantly adapting. They know that fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat to their success and happiness. They look for change that is lurking just around the corner, and they form a plan of action should these changes occur."

The opposite of change is stagnation. You cannot grow without change. Growth reflects life. Without growth, there is no life. But we like the status quo. We try and maintain it; it gives us a feeling of power and control. Life sometimes acts as status quo's arch nemesis because it allows the unforeseen, unexpected, and unwanted to take place. Change can leave us feeling small, helpless, and powerless. But not all change has to be awful. There are many times we may even anticipate the change and want the change (marriage, child's birth, a new job, a move) but it still disrupts what was familiar and comfortable and requires adaptation to the new. 

“You cannot grow without change. Growth reflects life. Without growth, there is no life. ”

How do we deal with any form of new, whether wanted or not?

We can lock down and refuse to move with the current fighting with all your might. This will cause some pain. The refusal to see and face what is happening around you requires a denial that disengages from the present. Worst of all: you stay the same. Stuck. 

OR

You can acknowledge the fear, sadness, anger, confusion, conflicted emotions, happiness, elation that is occurring because of the shift in what was once your normal. You learn how to control what you are able to and how to best take care of yourself, what you're needing to thrive, not just survive this transition. You discover that, though it is not always pleasant, you have the capacity to adapt and it didn't kill you. This informs how you walk through the next change. Best of all: you learn and you grow. Your story becomes more dynamic and rich. 

Digging Deep

“I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

In looking at what it means to be a person of emotional intelligence, another characteristic is possessing a curiosity about others. 

Travis Bradberry says, "It doesn't matter if they're introverted or extroverted, emotionally intelligent people are curious about everyone around them. This curiosity is the product of empathy, one of the most significant gateways to a high EQ. The more you care about other people and what they're going through, the more curiosity you're going to have about them."

A desire to know about another suggests that other people's stories matter to you and you give time and place to ask questions in order to understand. There is an openness to others' behaviors and wondering what is tucked behind their words, choices, and actions rather than a rigid and closed judgment. 

“When we close ourselves off to what another’s life can teach us, we miss out on how our lives can be stretched, challenged, grown and enhanced.”

Those who make snap judgments about other people remove the option of curiosity. They have already decided about that person and denied themselves the rich opportunity of learning. This will affect not only how they see and relate to people but also themselves. When we close ourselves off to what another's life can teach us, we miss out on how our lives can be stretched, challenged, grown and enhanced. It also begs the question whether or not those who lack curiosity about others' possess it for themselves. I doubt it. I don't think curiosity can be confined or contained. I think that if you are curious about your own story and how it informs the things you see, hear, say, do and believe, that self-curiosity will externalize beyond yourself. You also cannot be known if you are unwilling to know (yourself or others). 

“Will you explore within and without?”

Get Smart

Emotional intelligence: "the capability of individuals to recognize their own and other people's emotions, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, and manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one's goal(s)". 

“Unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions. ”

— Travis Bradberry

Research has shown a correlation between emotional intelligence (EQ) and greater mental health, leadership skills, and job performance. Travis Bradberry, co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, through data analysis, has identified hallmark behaviors of the emotionally intelligent.

I'd like to look at these features he's listed, one at a time, here. 

According to Bradberry, the first core behavior is having a robust emotional vocabulary. 

We all experience emotions and science has shown how necessary they are. However, the majority of people have difficulty clearly identifying what emotions they are experiencing in the moment or even upon reflection. People tease that counselors want to know and look at how you feel. However, there is scientific merit to giving space to exploring one's emotional reactions. 

Bradberry and his team found that "only 36 percent of people can [accurately identify their emotions as they occur], which is problematic because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions."

He explains that those with high EQ's are not overrun by their emotions because they understand what they are feeling. They are able to locate the source of the emotion by utilizing an extensive emotional vocabulary to specifically capture and identify what it is that they feel. The majority of people may generalize their emotions to a few categories: "bad", "sad", "happy". But that generalization can make it difficult to gain insight into what is happening internally.

For example, I can be sad for multiple reasons: conflict with a friend, being misunderstood by my boss, losing a special memento, a friend's cancer diagnosis. Even listing only a few probable situations, there is a wide range of sadness that is possible. Associated with each of these different situations, there are varying degrees of how the emotion is experienced. Feeling misunderstood by my boss is not the same depth of sadness as learning of a friend's grave health status. Labeling one as "disappointing" and another as "sorrowful and grievous" gives the appropriate weight to what is being internally experienced. Having access to this insight and self-awareness allows me to respond appropriately to each situation because I understand what is occurring and why.

In their New York Times bestseller (and one I highly recommend!), The Whole Brain Child, Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson, have a strategy for emotional regulation called, "Name it to Tame it". They are employing the same idea that in identifying one's emotion we can have mastery over the emotion. For many, you may feel like you are tossed and turned (emotional dysregulation) by what you are feeling because there is a lack understanding of what and why something is happening. Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson recognize what Bradberry does, "The more specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it."

To be emotionally healthier individuals, it's crucial you expand your emotional vocabulary. Most often it is beneficial to do so in the company and presence of one who will help you find this language to give more texture and depth to your life and relationships. We name to not only tame but to honor.