A Blessing, Peace
be easy.
take your time.
you are coming
home.
to yourself.
-the becoming | wing
nayyirah waheed
A Blessing, In Process
You're going to have to leap before you're ready and that's okay. It's okay to feel uncomfortable. It's okay to be unfinished. You won't know your boundaries until you cross them, and the same goes for your limits. You'll make mistakes and then you'll find your way again, and that's the beauty of your journey.
-Kristin Lohr
Our Shadow Side
“It intrigues me that great success is this brilliant light, but also every brilliant light creates a dark shadow. I think wisdom only comes when you can navigate both.”
If you've spent much time with me via this blog, you're well familiar with my philosophy that we learn to hide/cast away parts of us (personality traits, emotions, desires) that have been directly or indirectly deemed unacceptable. Those unacceptable parts are shamed deeply affecting our mental and emotional health. This collection of cast offs results in the formation of the shadow. What Carl Jung describes as the "dark" side of being human.
We decide that we only present the respectable part of our personality and hide the socially unacceptable parts of us which ultimately gets buried in our unconscious.
No one is without their own shadow. But the difference is one's awareness of their shadow.
If we're not aware of what is happening within, it contributes to "self destructive behaviors so many individuals struggle with and are unable to control despite consciously knowing they would be better off not engaging in such actions...The task in life which thus confronts everyone is to become conscious of and integrate one’s shadow into one’s conscious personality: accepting it with open arms not as an abhorrent aspect of one’s self, but as a necessary and vital part of one’s being." (Academy of Ideas)
Way easier said than done. I am aware. I've said it before and I'll continue to say it: this process is not for the faint of heart. You must truly long for wholeness because only then will you work towards it. Many are unwilling. And they settle for an unexamined life becoming shells.
“We must be willing to see ourselves as we really are, not someone we assume or fantasize of being.”
However, for those who dare venture to look they'll discover the shadow isn't all bad as we would like to believe (it would be easier if it was because it would justify keeping it in the basement). Recall that we hide any part of us that isn't acceptable to others. These can be positive traits: sensitivity, compassion, creativity, intellect, the list goes on. These aspects that would "lead to greater wholeness and harmony" are met with condemnation from others (family, peers, society) and in order to belong, away they went.
“When positive traits are relegated to the shadow, one is by necessity less than one could be...growth of the individual becomes blocked, and life becomes sterile. ”
In order to grow, we must accept those parts we've been afraid to recognize. Growth requires more than mere acknowledgement or awareness. We must be willing to see ourselves as we really are, not someone we assume or fantasize of being. Take an honest assessment. And that's where the real growth can begin take root. As you become aware, you can then internally negotiate which parts lead to wholeness and which parts detract. Because they are no longer hidden, you are able to determine what and who you want to be. You are not bound by the fear of what might be hidden in the shadows because you've taken your flashlight and revealed the truth.
This is why you will hear therapist after therapist describe their clients as some of the most courageous people they know. They risk for the sake of growth and truly living an engaged and present life.
Will you join their ranks?
Gratitude & Growth
"Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us- and those around us- more effectively. Look for the learning." Louisa May Alcott
Fifi made the list! My good friend, Ashley, texted me and told me her 2-year-old son, who affectionately calls me "Fifi" mentioned me in his prayers. Not only did I get a mention but I was first (a spot reserved solely for his dad). Ashley and her husband are teaching Jack to be thankful. Each night, he lists off the people/things (inanimate objects) for whom/which he is thankful. They are cultivating character development in this little person. That is the most significant thing happening. In addition, Jack's brain is forming neuronal networks that are building a sturdy foundation that will serve him well when he begins to face difficult and disappointing things in life.
Last week, I came across this article on gratitude protecting against PTSD with the tagline, "In the aftermath of trauma, gratitude helps us grow". As someone who specializes in working with trauma, my curiosity piqued. (I define trauma the way Dr. Tina Bryson does, "anything immediately and overwhelmingly difficult" which will be different for different people. What is traumatic for me, may not be for you, but it does not make it any less traumatic.)
Trauma rocks us to the core and shatters our sense of safety (hence, the definition: immediately and overwhelmingly difficult). It causes us to seek a new belief system as we try to understand why this terrible thing happened and what it means for our worldview.
Post-traumatic growth (PTG), developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD, is the psychological concept that the transformation following trauma leads to "develop[ing] new understandings of themselves, the world they live in, how to relate to other people, the kind of future they might have and a better understanding of how to live life" (Tedeschi).
“Post-Traumatic Growth can provide a framework that trauma is not defining and a newfound hope can arise from the ashes of pain.”
"Post-Traumatic Growth happens in the season after the trauma, when some people start to feel thankful to be alive, thankful that the trauma wasn’t even worse, and grateful for the chance to learn more about themselves," reporter Athena Dickau writes. Post-Traumatic Growth does NOT minimize or negate the trauma. This does NOT mean you must be thankful for the actual trauma. It also is not to be misunderstood as the goal to achieve and bypassing necessary processing of the trauma. Rather PTG can provide a framework that trauma is not defining and a newfound hope can arise from the ashes of pain.
In her article, Dickau highlighted a study conducted by researchers Julie Vieselmeyer and colleagues. The team sought to "discover whether gratitude can actually protect someone from the detrimental effects of witnessing trauma". They interviewed 359 students and faculty that were present or nearby during the campus shooting at Seattle Pacific University.
The results of the study showed that the individuals who already had higher levels of gratitude before the shooting were better able to turn their post-traumatic stress into growth. Dickau points out, "This is actually quite profound. It suggests that if we can help ourselves and others feel more grateful on a daily basis, we can actually prime ourselves to handle the trauma that life will inevitably bring."
“If we can help ourselves and others feel more grateful on a daily basis, we can actually prime ourselves to handle the trauma that life will inevitably bring.”
Just like Ashley is teaching Jack to cultivate thankfulness we, too, must do the same.
Professor Robert E. Emmons defines gratitude as such: “Feelings of gratitude are anchored in two essential pieces of information processed by an individual: (a) an affirming of goodness or ‘good things’ in one’s life and (b) the recognition that the sources of this goodness lie at least partially outside ourselves.”
"So gratitude is recognizing that our life is a gift, no matter our circumstances and realizing that this goodness does not come from our efforts alone," writes Dickau.
I would imagine that as gratitude deepens, you'll find positive responses in the areas that define Post-Traumatic Growth:
- Appreciation of life
- Relationships with others
- New possibilities in life
- Personal strength
- Spiritual change
May we be people defined, not by our tragedies, but by our response to them.
{If you have yet to process your pain, my invitation awaits to sit and journey with you towards a healing transformation where meaning can be made of what has occurred. Please do not hesitate to contact me.}
A Blessing, A Vow
I'm going to make everything around me beautiful and that will be my life.
-Elsie de Wolfe
A Blessing, Onward & Upward
My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness.
-Maya Angelou
My So Called Life
In a few days, my sister will be walking across the stage in a cap and gown for the third time from The University of Texas at Austin. Yes, THIRD time. She will be receiving her post-Masters degree because one, apparently, is not enough for this bright, hard-working and driven person with whom I have the pleasure of being related. (Congratulations, Stephanie!)
“After the confetti has settled, post-college life can feel overwhelming, daunting, and uncertain.”
Over the next few weeks, countless videos of inspiring commencement speeches for the graduating class of 2017 will be posted to YouTube. (Dr. Will Ferrell's USC address is worth the 25-minute investment, in my opinion.) After all, this is graduation season. A season of excitement and promise of a bright future. While this may be true for those who have secured jobs in their desired field, for the rest, after the confetti has settled, post-college life can feel overwhelming, daunting, and uncertain.
Freshman 18-year-old you had this idea of what graduating 22-year-old you would be and something isn't matching up. You've stepped into adulthood all of the sudden without a map, yet you're expected to navigate this new terrain like a pro. It seems your peers are owning adulthood, and life, in general, for that matter: excelling and mastering their dream job, climbing their respective field ladders, settling into romantic relationships and all the while still make time for Sunday brunch. Why, then, is it so hard for you? Is your internal compass faulty? Did you miss the manual that everyone else received along with their diplomas? How do you begin to figure things out when you don't even know where to start?
“How do you begin to figure things out when you don’t even know where to start?
What happens when life doesn’t go according to the script you had laid out?”
What happens when life doesn't go according to the script you had laid out? This is a question for everyone, at every life stage. (However, I think for those coming into their own during their 20s, this question can be particularly challenging.) I doubt many people include cancer diagnosis, miscarriages, heartache and heartbreak, divorce, unemployment and other gut wrenching realities in their "Oh, The Places You'll Go" ideals. And yet, they find their way onto that undesired landscape.
The unexpected can really disrupt and disorient us. Living in this haze, we wobble and stumble forward trying to find some version of our dreams, some aspect to not feel so powerless and helpless, some landing place to not feel inferior. I believe two things can happen here:
1) It feels too excruciating to keep trying, to make sense of things, to be disappointed that life isn't what you wanted/thought it would be so you numb out. You disconnect and isolate from yourself and others emotionally and you find solace in various addictions to stifle your inner strife.
OR
2) It feels quite painful, excruciating at times, and you bravely choose to engage the pain. You allow yourself to explore false beliefs you have about yourself and the world. Our pain highlights an emotional depth needed to live a life of meaning, purpose, and hope. Our pain informs our joy. Our pain, like our joy, makes us real. Emotional resiliency is birthed.
There's not an in-between. There is not an option to not not feel pain if you want to have a life of connection. You either ignore your pain, which has its own cost, or you choose to befriend your pain and see what it wants to tell you. You're at a crossroads. This decision has far weightier and far-reaching implications than most others you'll have to make.
I wish for you the courage to remain present in the midst of uncertainty, disappointment, and expectations not being fulfilled. Perhaps you'll stumble upon something beautiful among the unexpected.