Our Ladder

“State creates Story.” -Dr. Stephen Porges

Over the last several years, I have begun to educate my clients on Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory. This theory shows how our Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) shapes our experiences of safety and impacts our ability for connection. Having this information through mindful attunement to our bodies allows us to be active in our Nervous System response to situations which allows us to feel empowered.

A ladder is a helpful picture for the daily movements our ANS makes. The top of the ladder is when we feel safety and connection. If we experience something threatening like a frown on a stranger’s face, we may move down the ladder to a “mobilized” state. The goal of our ANS is to get back to safety so we may flee the situation by avoiding the stranger or become aggressive and frown back so they know not to continue their “threatening” behavior. If we do not feel like those actions have brought us back to feeling safe (the top of the ladder), we move further down into an “immobilized” state which might involve freezing. Each part of the ladder requires different responses to get back to the top.

Stories of who we are and how the world works begins in the ANS. We take in information from our environment through our body and then our brain which translates/encodes the information into beliefs.

information from environment —> body —> brain —> beliefs

If we bring in information that seems threatening, the message/belief is “I am unsafe” “I am in danger”. If we have information that tells us there is no threat, the message/belief is “I am safe” “I can be at ease”. As Dr. Porges teaches, “State creates story.”

Sometimes we may interpret information as dangerous when it is not because of previous experiences and trauma. We may become hypervigilant and be primed to see things that are dangerous when they aren’t. Our brain and NS job will always be to keep us safe. When our safety has been threatened, our NS response to keep us safe may unintentionally negatively impact our sense of being in the world and with other people.

There is hope! We can work with our nervous system to bring it back to feeling safe (getting back to the top of the ladder) so we can evaluate situations and people with more accuracy and trust we have the capability and capacity to care for and protect ourselves while being in the world and in relationships.

Radical Acceptance

“Reality is your friend and sometimes your friend is ugly.” My friend Jeremy says this often. Sometimes reality suits us and other times it’s a nightmare. One of the most impactful skills in my own life and the lives of my clients is learning to radically accept what is happening. (The following is from a training I attended led by Lane Pederson, Psy.D, LP, DBTC)

We all have choices to make when life is painful including:

• Change painful situations when you can

• Shift your perspective of the situation

• Radically accept the situation

• Continue to suffer

What does it look like to radically accept? You have a choice (taking responsibility for your situation even if you did not cause/create it) to meet reality exactly where its at. Acceptance does NOT mean I have to 1) like the situation or 2) agree with it. It means I do not fight reality.

Radical Acceptance:

• Freedom from suffering requires acceptance of “what is”

• Acceptance may still mean tolerating pain

• Acceptance frees psychological and emotional resources to move forward

If we refuse to accept reality, we expend much energy in our resistance. Acceptance is about empowerment to free up psychological resources in order to heal. The gift we can all give to ourselves.

You Can Do Hard Things

One of the components of DBT is distress tolerance. All of us have a range of what we feel we can or cannot tolerate, when we have reached or passed our internal threshold. As an introvert, my threshold for being around people is less than an extravert’s. These are helpful to know so that I can better care for myself as I interact with the world around me. Another area of learning tolerance is when we feel distress. Sometimes the pain can feel so intolerable that we resort to unhelpful ways of coping.

We are all doing our best and we can all do better. We offer ourselves compassion that we are doing the best with what we have and where we are AND that we are responsible for solving problems in our lives (even if we did not create them).

Life isn’t pain free (unfortunately). Pain and discomfort are a part of life (unfortunately). A necessary skill as we move through life is learning to be with something uncomfortable without changing it. In an age of high speed and instant gratification, we struggle with our ability to sit with (tolerate) discomfort.

Distress tolerance teaches:

• Ability to tolerate painful emotion

• Distraction without avoiding

• Pathways to other skills

• Action instead of reaction

• Managing crisis without making it worse

Tolerating pain and discomfort allows you to learn what you’re truly capable of, to experience empowerment and to see your own agency impact your life.

You've Got Skills

One life on this earth is all we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can.

-Frederich Buechner

There are many reasons to begin therapy. I do think for most people the core reasoning is that they want more from life and for themselves. And even if they may not be able to articulate it, I find that along the journey, it is something they move towards. There are many things within and without our jurisdiction that may thwart this desire and cause us to feel stuck.

Often times in order to do the deeper work of healing, a client may need to grow their internal resources by adding more to their toolkit. For this, I have enjoyed referring clients to Jennifer Wu, LCSW to gain the skills to help them become unstuck and bring those skills into our sessions to do deeper work. It’s been a very rewarding collaboration and our clients have benefitted greatly.

Jennifer specializes in Dialetical Behavior Therapy (DBT) which helps clients learn skills in mindfulness, distress tolerance (managing crisis and stress in life without making it worse), emotional regulation (helping clients balance and regulate their emotions, skills to increase positive emotion) and interpersonal effectiveness (self respect, building relationships, learning to become appropriately assertive to get needs and wants met without demanding). These skills grow inner confidence and security that empowers one to move about the world trusting their own ability and capacity to figure it out.

In future posts, I’ll describe a bit more of these different aspects of DBT.

No Pain, No Gain

That which haunts us will always find a way out. The wound will not heal unless given witness. The shadow that follows us is the way in.

-Rumi

Engaging with challenges, especially painful, upsetting and distressing ones, requires a sturdy foundation on which to stand and an internal conviction that we will not be overcome. Easier typed than experienced. Avoidance of and resistance to pain is rooted in survival. But we cannot prevent pain from occurring so we must learn to endure and engage it in a way that is healthy and leads towards healing. I am not suggesting we white knuckle through. We can walk through our pain as our own guide to learn more about ourselves and grow into the people we long to be.

Dr. Kristin Neff lists “5 stages of acceptance when meeting difficult emotions” (from The Mindful Self-Compassion Book Workbook):

1. Resisting: struggling against what comes

2. Exploring: turning toward discomfort with curiosity

3. Tolerating: safely enduring, holding steady

4. Allowing: letting feelings come and go

5. Befriending: seeing value in difficult emotional experiences

How do we encounter difficult emotions and remain present when the temptation is to avoid and resist?

1. We name it to tame it.

2. We listen to our bodies.

3. We offer self-compassion.

The more we practice and give space to our pain, the more resilient we become. We free up space within. We can use that internal space in a way that benefits us and others, with curiosity, openness, availability, vulnerability. There is much to be gained.

Mindfulness & Self-Compassion (Part 2)

One of the consistent things I find in my work with clients is the harsh inner critic that exists and how difficult it can be to be kind to ourselves. Dr. Kristin Neff researches self-compassion at The University of Texas at Austin (hook ‘em, horns!) and has developed mindful self-compassion.

She has identified 3 elements of self-compassion which are 1) self-kindness 2) common humanity and 3) mindfulness.

Let’s look more closely:

• Self-kindness- “Rather than being harshly critical when noticing personal shortcomings, we are supportive and encouraging and aim to protect ourselves from harm. Instead of attacking and berating ourselves for being inadequate, we offer ourselves warmth and unconditional acceptance.”

• Common Humanity- “A sense of interconnectedness is central to self-compassion. It’s recognizing that all humans are flawed works-in-progress, that everyone fails, makes mistakes, and experiences hardship in life.”

• Mindfulness- “Mindfulness involves being aware of moment-to-moment experience in a clear and balance manner. It means being open to the reality of the present moment, allowing all thoughts, emotions, and sensations to enter awareness without resistance or avoidance.”

Dr. Neff summarizes, “Another way to describe the three essential elements of self-compassion is loving (self-kindness), connected (common humanity) presence (mindfulness). When we are in the mind state of loving, connected presence, our relationship to oursevles, others, and the world is transformed.”

Mindfulness & Self-Compassion (Part 1)

"To pay attention. This is our endless and proper work.”-Mary Oliver

So many of us move throughout the day unaware of what our bodies are experiencing or what we might be feeling. We are on automatic pilot mode. Yet, our bodies are communicating so much to us that if we take the time to intentionally pay attention without judgement and with curiosity, we have much to gain!

Dr. Stephen Porges calls this exercise “Notice and Name”.

• Tune into your thoughts, feelings and the way your body feels.

• Notice if you feel calm (safe), activated (threat/mobilization) or frozen (threat/immobilization)

• Name this state.

• Bring curiosity. What is my body telling me in this moment?

The more we are attuned to our bodies and recognize there is valid information being imparted, we are more connected and more whole.

We can take this information and decide how we might make it useful to us, how might it benefit us in our inner world and outer world? How can I grow and know myself better being more familiar with my thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations? How can I care for myself? What do I need?

A Blessing, Hope

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”- Desmond Tutu