No Pain, No Gain

That which haunts us will always find a way out. The wound will not heal unless given witness. The shadow that follows us is the way in.

-Rumi

Engaging with challenges, especially painful, upsetting and distressing ones, requires a sturdy foundation on which to stand and an internal conviction that we will not be overcome. Easier typed than experienced. Avoidance of and resistance to pain is rooted in survival. But we cannot prevent pain from occurring so we must learn to endure and engage it in a way that is healthy and leads towards healing. I am not suggesting we white knuckle through. We can walk through our pain as our own guide to learn more about ourselves and grow into the people we long to be.

Dr. Kristin Neff lists “5 stages of acceptance when meeting difficult emotions” (from The Mindful Self-Compassion Book Workbook):

1. Resisting: struggling against what comes

2. Exploring: turning toward discomfort with curiosity

3. Tolerating: safely enduring, holding steady

4. Allowing: letting feelings come and go

5. Befriending: seeing value in difficult emotional experiences

How do we encounter difficult emotions and remain present when the temptation is to avoid and resist?

1. We name it to tame it.

2. We listen to our bodies.

3. We offer self-compassion.

The more we practice and give space to our pain, the more resilient we become. We free up space within. We can use that internal space in a way that benefits us and others, with curiosity, openness, availability, vulnerability. There is much to be gained.

Mindfulness & Self-Compassion (Part 2)

One of the consistent things I find in my work with clients is the harsh inner critic that exists and how difficult it can be to be kind to ourselves. Dr. Kristin Neff researches self-compassion at The University of Texas at Austin (hook ‘em, horns!) and has developed mindful self-compassion.

She has identified 3 elements of self-compassion which are 1) self-kindness 2) common humanity and 3) mindfulness.

Let’s look more closely:

• Self-kindness- “Rather than being harshly critical when noticing personal shortcomings, we are supportive and encouraging and aim to protect ourselves from harm. Instead of attacking and berating ourselves for being inadequate, we offer ourselves warmth and unconditional acceptance.”

• Common Humanity- “A sense of interconnectedness is central to self-compassion. It’s recognizing that all humans are flawed works-in-progress, that everyone fails, makes mistakes, and experiences hardship in life.”

• Mindfulness- “Mindfulness involves being aware of moment-to-moment experience in a clear and balance manner. It means being open to the reality of the present moment, allowing all thoughts, emotions, and sensations to enter awareness without resistance or avoidance.”

Dr. Neff summarizes, “Another way to describe the three essential elements of self-compassion is loving (self-kindness), connected (common humanity) presence (mindfulness). When we are in the mind state of loving, connected presence, our relationship to oursevles, others, and the world is transformed.”

Mindfulness & Self-Compassion (Part 1)

"To pay attention. This is our endless and proper work.”-Mary Oliver

So many of us move throughout the day unaware of what our bodies are experiencing or what we might be feeling. We are on automatic pilot mode. Yet, our bodies are communicating so much to us that if we take the time to intentionally pay attention without judgement and with curiosity, we have much to gain!

Dr. Stephen Porges calls this exercise “Notice and Name”.

• Tune into your thoughts, feelings and the way your body feels.

• Notice if you feel calm (safe), activated (threat/mobilization) or frozen (threat/immobilization)

• Name this state.

• Bring curiosity. What is my body telling me in this moment?

The more we are attuned to our bodies and recognize there is valid information being imparted, we are more connected and more whole.

We can take this information and decide how we might make it useful to us, how might it benefit us in our inner world and outer world? How can I grow and know myself better being more familiar with my thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations? How can I care for myself? What do I need?

A Blessing, Hope

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”- Desmond Tutu

Indigenous Healing

As the field of counseling and psychology recognizes harm it has done to marginalized communities, it is important to take responsibility for ways we have not been culturally competent and carried a western lens when sitting with people of color. It is imperative we take the time to learn with humility and know that we are not the experts. There are two books that were recommended to me at Massy Books in Vancouver, Canada (female and Indigenous owned independent bookstore!).

I’d like to share excerpts that inform ways I want to begin viewing my own life journey of growth and how I hope it will also translate to clients. I hope you may also expand your own views for yourself. We have much to learn from each other.

Indigenous Healing Psychology: Honoring the Wisdom of the First Peoples :

Mary Lee’s work as a traditional counselor exemplifies how healing as opposed to curing, is more characteristic of Indigenous approaches to therapy. While curing focuses more on fixing what is wrong with people (e.g. some diagnosed illness), typically through the removal of identifiable symptoms, healing is a broader, more dynamic, more open-ended, and respectful process. Healing can be seen as a movement toward meaning, balance, connectedness, and wholeness. Symptoms may not be removed-though few would oppose their removal-but healing can still occur. Meaning, for example, can be created in life still carrying the symptoms of an illness. Rather than fixing someone, healing seeks to support and enhance ongoing life adaptations and transformation. Though healing and curing are not mutually exclusive and can influence each other in practice, curing is more frequently a focus in mainstream approaches.

Indigenous Healing: Exploring Traditional Paths:

Within aboriginal traditions, there is something else at work, something that flows from the recognition that no one can ever claim to be meeting their responsibilities perfectly or to be perfectly healhty. The belief is that we can always think, say, do and be better than we are now. In that sense, we are all engaged in healing, which is to say that we are all on the same road, together, trying to move closer to Creator’s spirit in everything that we do.

As I said earlier, some of us start that journey with many blessings, and others begin while facing great threat and suffering immense injury. But we all undertake essentially the same journey, and it lasts throughout our lives.

[Healing} is seen not simply as a response to injury but as a life goal to be sought….healing stands primarily for moving-toward, not just recovery from. It involves always trying to manifest that which is within us but is so difficult to reveal.

I’m grateful for voices different from my own that help me see things I cannot see without them. The Indigenous way is compassionate, full of grace, sees human experiences as nothing to be ashamed of or to overcome but part of. It allows us to be dynamic people and not defined by pain. At the heart of it, we are to be valued and treasured and healing is not isolated nor does it occur in a vacuum. We need one another.

Beginnings

That which haunts us will always find a way out.

The wound will not heal unless given witness.

The shadow that follows us is the way in.

Rumi

To those of you who have courageously faced the darkness and believed light would come, to those of you who chose to cling to hope that healing is possible, to those of you who confronted fears, you deserve all the worthiness you find. To those wondering and scared and wandering, there awaits you a place of freedom that I hope you’ll gift yourself.

Saying Goodbye

This year is one that held tremendous loss for me. Noah and I said goodbye to one another this past summer. I am eternally grateful for the 16 years I was given with him. While it has been difficult, I am comforted by what he selflessly and generously offered me on a daily basis. And he extended his gifts of care and compassion to my clients. I trust he is enjoying his well deserved retirement across Rainbow Bridge. I am indebted to him for the years of companionship I was blessed with.

Carefarms

Bailey, resident at Central Texas Pig Rescue

I have been volunteering with the Central Texas Pig Rescue since this summer and have fallen madly in love with the porcine residents. Bailey, pictured in this post, is one of the sweetest creatures I’ve had the honor of meeting. There is something incredibly humble in the ways animals offer a place to be present with them and shift our perspectives.

I recently heard an interview on NPR about a Carefarm in Arizona. I had not heard about the concept before but was drawn to its mission. This sanctuary allows people to process their grief and trauma in the presence of rescued animals.

As a trauma therapist, grief is a significant part of the healing process. Grief over what happened and did not happen. grief for the present and past impact of the trauma. Layers of grief.

I know that as clinicians we must be open to new ways people can experience healing and I imagine loving, caring for and serving animals who have faced their own traumas might be part of that.

“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.
”

— C.S. Lewis

“Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions; they pass no criticisms.”

-George Eliot