Inner Circles

Most of our relational discomfort, conflict and unhealthy patterns stem from poor boundaries (see: You Do You) When I feel responsible for you or that you’re responsible for me, it is no longer a relationship. You are there to serve me, to emotionally care take and regulate my distress. It is transactional. This is often an area of focus for me with my clients: learning what is within your jurisdiction and what is not.

Another area that we discuss is determining your concentric circles of intimacy. I often find that people think others are due/owed information. Emotional, internal boundaries are misconstrued for “closed off”. (There are certainly people who are closed off and that is where the boundary is too rigid. Boundaries can be too loose or rigid. We’re going for “just right”.) Because they don’t want to be viewed or judged as closed off for not sharing parts of themselves, they may extend those parts to others who are not worthy, are not safe.

I share with clients they have their own concentric circles of intimacy and people they get to assign to a particular circle only have access to what that level of intimacy indicates. No more and no less. Others have to earn the right to be invited to a more intimate circle. It is a privilege to have access to our most vulnerable parts. And we need to protect ourselves by knowing who is allowed what.

Do you know who is in your circles?

Bittersweet Goodbyes

I’m in the business of goodbyes. My (and every counselor’s) job is to work myself out of a job. I know I’m meant to journey for a season, the length of that varies, but it will come to an end. And that means I say goodbye. And those are hard. They are hard because I have walked alongside someone through very intimate and significant moments. I’ve been invited into a very precious part of their life and given the honor to see them and hold their tears and join in their laughter. So when they’ve done the restorative work they set out to do and we know the season of working together has concluded, it also means our relationship ends. It’s a unique relationship for sure but a relationship nonetheless. And that makes the goodbye a hard one.

IMG_1572.JPG

Cancel Celine

“You know, we have pieces of the people that have cared about us all through our lives, and they’re all part of us now. And so each one of us represents so many investments from others. No one of us is a lone.”

No disrespect to the reigning Canadian pop queen. We’ve all sung her ballad “All By Myself” for karaoke or ironically. I do think a lot of the time we do think we are all by ourselves. Being by myself (without any emotional support or nurture) is very different than the feeling of being lonely. I want to address the feeling. It’s valid. Full stop. AND we can also self-soothe that ache by identifying our connection to parts of others that are comforting, protective, nurturing, loving, kind, compassionate, supportive.

When I work with clients, sometimes I will ask them to identify people (or animals/pets) that represent for them nurture, protection, and wisdom, so that they can draw from them when they need to feel loved, safe and protected and direction and guidance. The people or pets can be real or imagined. You may have met them or may only know them from afar. For example, I’ve had clients choose characters from Harry Potter. Other therapists have told me people have used Oprah or Michelle Obama as nurturing figures even though they never met them. I personally use Aslan. It’s so powerful what happens when we connect to parts of others (real or imagined) that can be so reassuring. The amazing thing is that we carry that representation within us. We are doing the reassurance by receiving from ourselves what we need and want and providing it through the connections we created.

We are your figures? Who are the people who you reach for in moments of pain and hurt?

IMG_5874.JPG
, ,

#nofilter

, ,

I was thinking about various messages we lives our lives by. We are meaning makers by nature. That’s how our brain works. It creates schemas to help us process things fast and make an assessment about whether we are safe or not. Did you know that is your brain’s #1 priority? To determine whether you are safe and determine the degree of threat….0 to get the hell out. And sometimes because of passed painful experiences and trauma, our brain can be rewired to see threat where there isn’t one. Now we have this threat filter (“people are dangerous…stay safe…isolate…numb” or “attack…defend at all costs”). Those filters shape how we see others and how we see ourselves and how others see us. And a narrative is formed…this schema. It’s our brain’s shortcut and shortcuts can be efficient but they can also miss out on very important data.

Do you know what your natural filters are? If we are unconscious and unaware of them, we will live our lives looking through a lens that may not reflect reality and can have us miss out on true connection to others and within.

So let’s begin by looking at events that shaped us and see how those filters were meant to protect but when it’s used on everything, life becomes very limited. Identifying the filter is the first step. Next, learning to slow down to name the filter and its purpose. As I slow down, I can see more of the present moment and take it all in and can use that data to make meaning of that moment.

New Year. Same You.

When the clock struck midnight, wherever you were, whomever you were with, whether your were in a conscious state or not, you were still the same you that you were at 11:59.I think there can be a misperception that we are re-invented magically at the start of a new year. Like, the opposite of Cinderella. I don’t know how you woke up, but I woke up with the same forehead wrinkles, same blemishes, same body (height and weight), same scar on my knee.

Yes, January 1st meets criteria as “new” simply based on the resetting of our modern day calendars. Most importantly, It mark passage of time. And within that passage of time, situations and circumstances unfolded. Some of them were expected, some were unexpected, some were welcome, some were unwelcome. Some were refreshing and restorative. Some were gut-wrenching and soul-sucking. Just because the calendar re-set, doesn’t mean our lives do. Some of those situations and circumstances have long-lasting impact and consequences that will shape our future. If you had a baby this year, that will shape your years to come. If you lost a loved one this year, it changes your relationship to the past that held them and the future that carries their absence.

Please hear that there isn’t anything wrong with anticipation or excitement about the calendar changing. By all means, do make goals, do set intentions. create plans! But know the hidden danger that hype can create. As you look towards what will be and hope, do not erase or dismiss what came before. We must leave room to let the years teach us and inform us on how to move forward, how to make healthy, realistic, positive goals.

And know that you also don’t need to make January 1st anything more or less than what it needs to be for you.

A Blessing, Healed Wounds

That which haunts us will always find a way out. The wound will not heal unless given witness. The shadow that follows us is the way in. -Rumi

It is a new year. I do not know what the last year held for you. I hope there was laughter and joy and delight. I also can imagine there was also sorrow, pain, disappointment, disbelief. New anything often brings about reflection regarding the old. So you may be at a juncture of reflecting on things from your past. You may wonder about past events and its impact on you. You may be curious about the ways you choose to engage and relate with others. Some things may feel very overwhelming or intolerable to question. That’s okay. We aren’t meant to journey solo. Often we need a guide to remind us where we are going when the path seems treacherous. At times, this guide can come in the form of a counselor. I hope that whomever you choose to walk alongside, you’ll find your way to wholeness and healing, releasing and making meaning of the wounds from the past.