Most of our relational discomfort, conflict and unhealthy patterns stem from poor boundaries (see: You Do You) When I feel responsible for you or that you’re responsible for me, it is no longer a relationship. You are there to serve me, to emotionally care take and regulate my distress. It is transactional. This is often an area of focus for me with my clients: learning what is within your jurisdiction and what is not.
Another area that we discuss is determining your concentric circles of intimacy. I often find that people think others are due/owed information. Emotional, internal boundaries are misconstrued for “closed off”. (There are certainly people who are closed off and that is where the boundary is too rigid. Boundaries can be too loose or rigid. We’re going for “just right”.) Because they don’t want to be viewed or judged as closed off for not sharing parts of themselves, they may extend those parts to others who are not worthy, are not safe.
I share with clients they have their own concentric circles of intimacy and people they get to assign to a particular circle only have access to what that level of intimacy indicates. No more and no less. Others have to earn the right to be invited to a more intimate circle. It is a privilege to have access to our most vulnerable parts. And we need to protect ourselves by knowing who is allowed what.
Do you know who is in your circles?
