You Can Do Hard Things

One of the components of DBT is distress tolerance. All of us have a range of what we feel we can or cannot tolerate, when we have reached or passed our internal threshold. As an introvert, my threshold for being around people is less than an extravert’s. These are helpful to know so that I can better care for myself as I interact with the world around me. Another area of learning tolerance is when we feel distress. Sometimes the pain can feel so intolerable that we resort to unhelpful ways of coping.

We are all doing our best and we can all do better. We offer ourselves compassion that we are doing the best with what we have and where we are AND that we are responsible for solving problems in our lives (even if we did not create them).

Life isn’t pain free (unfortunately). Pain and discomfort are a part of life (unfortunately). A necessary skill as we move through life is learning to be with something uncomfortable without changing it. In an age of high speed and instant gratification, we struggle with our ability to sit with (tolerate) discomfort.

Distress tolerance teaches:

• Ability to tolerate painful emotion

• Distraction without avoiding

• Pathways to other skills

• Action instead of reaction

• Managing crisis without making it worse

Tolerating pain and discomfort allows you to learn what you’re truly capable of, to experience empowerment and to see your own agency impact your life.

You've Got Skills

One life on this earth is all we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can.

-Frederich Buechner

There are many reasons to begin therapy. I do think for most people the core reasoning is that they want more from life and for themselves. And even if they may not be able to articulate it, I find that along the journey, it is something they move towards. There are many things within and without our jurisdiction that may thwart this desire and cause us to feel stuck.

Often times in order to do the deeper work of healing, a client may need to grow their internal resources by adding more to their toolkit. For this, I have enjoyed referring clients to Jennifer Wu, LCSW to gain the skills to help them become unstuck and bring those skills into our sessions to do deeper work. It’s been a very rewarding collaboration and our clients have benefitted greatly.

Jennifer specializes in Dialetical Behavior Therapy (DBT) which helps clients learn skills in mindfulness, distress tolerance (managing crisis and stress in life without making it worse), emotional regulation (helping clients balance and regulate their emotions, skills to increase positive emotion) and interpersonal effectiveness (self respect, building relationships, learning to become appropriately assertive to get needs and wants met without demanding). These skills grow inner confidence and security that empowers one to move about the world trusting their own ability and capacity to figure it out.

In future posts, I’ll describe a bit more of these different aspects of DBT.

No Pain, No Gain

That which haunts us will always find a way out. The wound will not heal unless given witness. The shadow that follows us is the way in.

-Rumi

Engaging with challenges, especially painful, upsetting and distressing ones, requires a sturdy foundation on which to stand and an internal conviction that we will not be overcome. Easier typed than experienced. Avoidance of and resistance to pain is rooted in survival. But we cannot prevent pain from occurring so we must learn to endure and engage it in a way that is healthy and leads towards healing. I am not suggesting we white knuckle through. We can walk through our pain as our own guide to learn more about ourselves and grow into the people we long to be.

Dr. Kristin Neff lists “5 stages of acceptance when meeting difficult emotions” (from The Mindful Self-Compassion Book Workbook):

1. Resisting: struggling against what comes

2. Exploring: turning toward discomfort with curiosity

3. Tolerating: safely enduring, holding steady

4. Allowing: letting feelings come and go

5. Befriending: seeing value in difficult emotional experiences

How do we encounter difficult emotions and remain present when the temptation is to avoid and resist?

1. We name it to tame it.

2. We listen to our bodies.

3. We offer self-compassion.

The more we practice and give space to our pain, the more resilient we become. We free up space within. We can use that internal space in a way that benefits us and others, with curiosity, openness, availability, vulnerability. There is much to be gained.

Mindfulness & Self-Compassion (Part 2)

One of the consistent things I find in my work with clients is the harsh inner critic that exists and how difficult it can be to be kind to ourselves. Dr. Kristin Neff researches self-compassion at The University of Texas at Austin (hook ‘em, horns!) and has developed mindful self-compassion.

She has identified 3 elements of self-compassion which are 1) self-kindness 2) common humanity and 3) mindfulness.

Let’s look more closely:

• Self-kindness- “Rather than being harshly critical when noticing personal shortcomings, we are supportive and encouraging and aim to protect ourselves from harm. Instead of attacking and berating ourselves for being inadequate, we offer ourselves warmth and unconditional acceptance.”

• Common Humanity- “A sense of interconnectedness is central to self-compassion. It’s recognizing that all humans are flawed works-in-progress, that everyone fails, makes mistakes, and experiences hardship in life.”

• Mindfulness- “Mindfulness involves being aware of moment-to-moment experience in a clear and balance manner. It means being open to the reality of the present moment, allowing all thoughts, emotions, and sensations to enter awareness without resistance or avoidance.”

Dr. Neff summarizes, “Another way to describe the three essential elements of self-compassion is loving (self-kindness), connected (common humanity) presence (mindfulness). When we are in the mind state of loving, connected presence, our relationship to oursevles, others, and the world is transformed.”

Mindfulness & Self-Compassion (Part 1)

"To pay attention. This is our endless and proper work.”-Mary Oliver

So many of us move throughout the day unaware of what our bodies are experiencing or what we might be feeling. We are on automatic pilot mode. Yet, our bodies are communicating so much to us that if we take the time to intentionally pay attention without judgement and with curiosity, we have much to gain!

Dr. Stephen Porges calls this exercise “Notice and Name”.

• Tune into your thoughts, feelings and the way your body feels.

• Notice if you feel calm (safe), activated (threat/mobilization) or frozen (threat/immobilization)

• Name this state.

• Bring curiosity. What is my body telling me in this moment?

The more we are attuned to our bodies and recognize there is valid information being imparted, we are more connected and more whole.

We can take this information and decide how we might make it useful to us, how might it benefit us in our inner world and outer world? How can I grow and know myself better being more familiar with my thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations? How can I care for myself? What do I need?

A Blessing, Hope

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”- Desmond Tutu

Indigenous Healing

As the field of counseling and psychology recognizes harm it has done to marginalized communities, it is important to take responsibility for ways we have not been culturally competent and carried a western lens when sitting with people of color. It is imperative we take the time to learn with humility and know that we are not the experts. There are two books that were recommended to me at Massy Books in Vancouver, Canada (female and Indigenous owned independent bookstore!).

I’d like to share excerpts that inform ways I want to begin viewing my own life journey of growth and how I hope it will also translate to clients. I hope you may also expand your own views for yourself. We have much to learn from each other.

Indigenous Healing Psychology: Honoring the Wisdom of the First Peoples :

Mary Lee’s work as a traditional counselor exemplifies how healing as opposed to curing, is more characteristic of Indigenous approaches to therapy. While curing focuses more on fixing what is wrong with people (e.g. some diagnosed illness), typically through the removal of identifiable symptoms, healing is a broader, more dynamic, more open-ended, and respectful process. Healing can be seen as a movement toward meaning, balance, connectedness, and wholeness. Symptoms may not be removed-though few would oppose their removal-but healing can still occur. Meaning, for example, can be created in life still carrying the symptoms of an illness. Rather than fixing someone, healing seeks to support and enhance ongoing life adaptations and transformation. Though healing and curing are not mutually exclusive and can influence each other in practice, curing is more frequently a focus in mainstream approaches.

Indigenous Healing: Exploring Traditional Paths:

Within aboriginal traditions, there is something else at work, something that flows from the recognition that no one can ever claim to be meeting their responsibilities perfectly or to be perfectly healhty. The belief is that we can always think, say, do and be better than we are now. In that sense, we are all engaged in healing, which is to say that we are all on the same road, together, trying to move closer to Creator’s spirit in everything that we do.

As I said earlier, some of us start that journey with many blessings, and others begin while facing great threat and suffering immense injury. But we all undertake essentially the same journey, and it lasts throughout our lives.

[Healing} is seen not simply as a response to injury but as a life goal to be sought….healing stands primarily for moving-toward, not just recovery from. It involves always trying to manifest that which is within us but is so difficult to reveal.

I’m grateful for voices different from my own that help me see things I cannot see without them. The Indigenous way is compassionate, full of grace, sees human experiences as nothing to be ashamed of or to overcome but part of. It allows us to be dynamic people and not defined by pain. At the heart of it, we are to be valued and treasured and healing is not isolated nor does it occur in a vacuum. We need one another.

Beginnings

That which haunts us will always find a way out.

The wound will not heal unless given witness.

The shadow that follows us is the way in.

Rumi

To those of you who have courageously faced the darkness and believed light would come, to those of you who chose to cling to hope that healing is possible, to those of you who confronted fears, you deserve all the worthiness you find. To those wondering and scared and wandering, there awaits you a place of freedom that I hope you’ll gift yourself.