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Gratitude & Growth

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"Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us- and those around us- more effectively. Look for the learning." Louisa May Alcott

"Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us- and those around us- more effectively. Look for the learning." Louisa May Alcott

Fifi made the list! My good friend, Ashley, texted me and told me her 2-year-old son, who affectionately calls me "Fifi" mentioned me in his prayers. Not only did I get a mention but I was first (a spot reserved solely for his dad). Ashley and her husband are teaching Jack to be thankful. Each night, he lists off the people/things (inanimate objects) for whom/which he is thankful. They are cultivating character development in this little person. That is the most significant thing happening.  In addition, Jack's brain is forming neuronal networks that are building a sturdy foundation that will serve him well when he begins to face difficult and disappointing things in life.

Last week, I came across this article on gratitude protecting against PTSD with the tagline, "In the aftermath of trauma, gratitude helps us grow". As someone who specializes in working with trauma, my curiosity piqued. (I define trauma the way Dr. Tina Bryson does, "anything immediately and overwhelmingly difficult" which will be different for different people. What is traumatic for me, may not be for you, but it does not make it any less traumatic.)

Trauma rocks us to the core and shatters our sense of safety (hence, the definition: immediately and overwhelmingly difficult). It causes us to seek a new belief system as we try to understand why this terrible thing happened and what it means for our worldview.

Post-traumatic growth (PTG), developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD, is the psychological concept that the transformation following trauma leads to "develop[ing] new understandings of themselves, the world they live in, how to relate to other people, the kind of future they might have and a better understanding of how to live life" (Tedeschi).

“Post-Traumatic Growth can provide a framework that trauma is not defining and a newfound hope can arise from the ashes of pain.”

"Post-Traumatic Growth happens in the season after the trauma, when some people start to feel thankful to be alive, thankful that the trauma wasn’t even worse, and grateful for the chance to learn more about themselves," reporter Athena Dickau writes. Post-Traumatic Growth does NOT minimize or negate the trauma. This does NOT mean you must be thankful for the actual trauma.  It also is not to be misunderstood as the goal to achieve and bypassing necessary processing of the trauma. Rather PTG can provide a framework that trauma is not defining and a newfound hope can arise from the ashes of pain. 

In her article, Dickau highlighted a study conducted by researchers Julie Vieselmeyer and colleagues. The team sought to "discover whether gratitude can actually protect someone from the detrimental effects of witnessing trauma". They interviewed 359 students and faculty that were present or nearby during the campus shooting at Seattle Pacific University.

The results of the study showed that the individuals who already had higher levels of gratitude before the shooting were better able to turn their post-traumatic stress into growth. Dickau points out, "This is actually quite profound. It suggests that if we can help ourselves and others feel more grateful on a daily basis, we can actually prime ourselves to handle the trauma that life will inevitably bring."

“If we can help ourselves and others feel more grateful on a daily basis, we can actually prime ourselves to handle the trauma that life will inevitably bring.”
— Athena Dickau

Just like Ashley is teaching Jack to cultivate thankfulness we, too, must do the same.

Professor Robert E. Emmons defines gratitude as such: “Feelings of gratitude are anchored in two essential pieces of information processed by an individual: (a) an affirming of goodness or ‘good things’ in one’s life and (b) the recognition that the sources of this goodness lie at least partially outside ourselves.”

"So gratitude is recognizing that our life is a gift, no matter our circumstances and realizing that this goodness does not come from our efforts alone," writes Dickau.

As one study instructed participants, we also must "focus for a moment on benefits or gifts that you have received in your life. These gifts could be simple everyday pleasures, people in your life, personal strengths or talents, moments of natural beauty, or gestures of kindness from others. We might not normally think about these things as gifts, but that is how we want you to think about them. Take a moment to really savor or relish these gifts, think about their value, and then write them down every night before going to sleep.”

I would imagine that as gratitude deepens, you'll find positive responses in the areas that define Post-Traumatic Growth:

  • Appreciation of life
  • Relationships with others
  • New possibilities in life
  • Personal strength
  • Spiritual change

May we be people defined, not by our tragedies, but by our response to them.

{If you have yet to process your pain, my invitation awaits to sit and journey with you towards a healing transformation where meaning can be made of what has occurred. Please do not hesitate to contact me.} 

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Manipulate Like a Boss

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“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
— Robert Louis Stevenson

All humans are manipulative. And if you're like me, you're already wincing and recoiling at this statement. Hang in there with me for a moment though. After clarifying and discussing with Dr. Steve Harris (my mentor's mentor), I want to offer what he so graciously took the time to share with me. So let's get our foundation set:

  • Fact #1: All humans are manipulative.
  • Fact #2: How the manipulation comes out determines the health of the person.

Still uneasy? Ok...maybe a clarification on the definition. Dr. Harris recognizes, "Manipulation as a word definitely gets a bad rap. But manipulation extends itself into many spheres as this definition shows:

Manipulation is the skillful handling, controlling or using of something or someone. Whether it's the sculpture you made in art class or how you convinced your friend to do your homework — both are considered manipulation."

Based on this, we can see that manipulation can have either an incredible result displayed throughout museums the world over or a painful, hurtful consequence laced with heartache and tears.

What does it look like in relationships? There are four forms of manipulation:

  • Seductive
  • Deceptive
  • Intimidating
  • Negotiating
“Negotiation is the highest and most desirable form since it is more relational and mutually respectful.”
— Dr. Steve Harris

The first three are focused only on my needs. Negotiation is the only healthy form of manipulation as it invites the needs of others (note: "invites" is radically different from "take responsibility for").  Dr. Harris expounds on this idea, "Negotiation is the highest and most desirable form since it is more relational and mutually respectful. The others, tend to be either less direct, one-sided, or misrepresentational."

He continues, "Although when manipulations are exposed, they more often than not, reveal something less than desirable. But with negotiation, it stops being one person's act upon another, but both people trying to benefit." (Think: Separate/Equal/Open)

We seduce, deceive and/or intimidate to protect ourselves, preventing another from seeing us. It's incredibly vulnerable to recognize our own neediness and it's another thing to share that with someone. We would rather get our needs met without taking ownership of them because it's less threatening to our sense of self. Yet we become bitter and resentful when the other does not meet our needs because we refused to offer them. We are so focused on what is and is not being met that we have little to no capacity to see or give to the other person. 

Dr. Harris points out no relationship is satisfying when both parties are "doing things to each other that may not be direct. We don't like hidden agendas. I think another thing that [we] don't like about manipulation is that something is less exposed, less direct, perhaps even less honest."

“Another thing we don’t like about manipulation is that something is less exposed, less direct, perhaps even less honest.”
— Dr. Steve Harris

We long for what is true and authentic; it provides safety, stability, and security. Trust is inherent and required for any thriving relationship. It's why betrayal and deception can shatter what seemed like a sturdy foundation. In order to create and establish trustworthy relationships, we will need to be open and honest about who we are, who we are not, our longings, hopes, fears, dreams, failures, triumphs, sorrows, joys. "Perhaps the healthier manipulation becomes, the less it is manipulation and more mutual respect or mutual cooperation--the manipulation is transformed," Dr. Harris.

Will we choose to be people of clarity and truth, honoring our needs by sharing them with another and inviting their needs to be known? 

“We need to be open and honest about who we are, who we are not, our longings, hopes, fears, dreams, failures, triumphs, sorrows, joys.”

A Blessing, One Day

image courtesy of Kristen Marie Parker

image courtesy of Kristen Marie Parker

Words for a Father by Scott Cairnes

And this is the consolation:
that the world doesn't end, that the world one day opens up into something better.
And that we one day open up into something far better.

Maybe like this:
one morning you finally wake to a light you recognize as the light you've wanted
every morning that has come before.
And the air has some light thing in it that you've always hoped the air might have.

And One is there to welcome you whose face you've looked for
during all the best and worst times of your life.
He takes you to himself and holds you close until you fully wake.

And it seems you've only just awakened, but you turn and
there we are, the rest of us, arriving just behind you.
We'll go the rest of the way together.

The Loneliest Number

“The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely.”
— Thomas Merton

We can all agree that being separate individuals in relationship with other separate individuals is agreeable and even desirable. In theory. The practice part is a whole different story. If we allow ourselves to be honest, the idea of being separate (100% complete and whole on my own, responsible for myself and only myself) can seem threatening. Honesty would have us consider that fusion (1+1=1) is what we're really seeking and perhaps pursuing. Otherwise, we'd all be in healthy, functional, thriving and growing relationships. And honesty tells us that isn't the case. 

Hayley Quinn, the UK’s leading Dating Expert and self described "magnet for chaos" who "liked chaos because when [she] was in chaos [she] didn't have to confront anything that [she] was", explains, "Love is sold as the ultimate solution to ourselves, the thing that makes our past okay, that gives us direction for our future and imbues our everyday reality with meaning" which is an "act of escapism" where relationships are driven by the fear of loneliness, not love. 

Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg has focused much of his clinical work on the dynamics between people who seek fulfillment in another person (friend, child, parent, significant other). Isn't that what fuels Hollywood, the Top 40 and bestsellers? Something in me is deficient or lacking and the solution is found in you and what you can give me. On some level, we've all subconsciously drunk the Kool-Aid. 

Don't get me wrong. Relationships are necessary and important for human flourishing. But when pressure is placed that they be more than they are intended to be, that's when things get dicey.

“Loneliness is experienced as toxic.”

According to Rosenberg, the pain of being alone is so intolerable that it creates a distorted definition of self.  Loneliness is experienced as toxic and we search for ways to eliminate this feeling, at whatever cost. Some feel the need to rescue another and some want to be rescued. Others think solely of their own needs and seek people who will meet those needs by denying their own. The goal is to find security in another because we fear what we are as an individual.

No one wants to admit any of this might be true of them. But like my friend Jeremy says, "Reality is our friend and sometimes our friend is ugly". Ugly but a friend, nonetheless, and good friends help us grow. 

“Reality is your friend and sometimes your friend is ugly.”

Reality check:

  • We pursue relationships out of fear of being alone rather than for the gift that they can be.
  • We're unable/unwilling to process intimacy, pain, and disappointment because we are convinced that others will make us better.
  • We depend on and need others to validate and approve our choices while sacrificing our own voice, thoughts, contributions.
  • Power is outsourced, demanding others be responsible for and manage our internal world. 

The lower the self-awareness, the higher the tendency to give power externally. But what if you accept the invitation to look inside? What will you learn when you take responsibility for yourself and not place that on someone else? What if you consider what your voice would say?

You'll find a richness when you see your own competence and durability to not implode under crisis or grief. You'll find more of your internal strength when no one else can fight the battle for you. You'll see and be aware of your own capability to be your own best ally.

Loneliness loses its toxicity because you're learning to enjoy your own company. Instead of pursuing relationship out of fear, you're "inviting someone to see, value, hold, and appreciate the beauty of your own inscape that no one else can see" (Dr. Leah McDill). That's fertile soil for any relationship worth having. 

“Loneliness loses its toxicity because you’re learning to enjoy your own company.”