A Blessing, One Day

image courtesy of Kristen Marie Parker

image courtesy of Kristen Marie Parker

Words for a Father by Scott Cairnes

And this is the consolation:
that the world doesn't end, that the world one day opens up into something better.
And that we one day open up into something far better.

Maybe like this:
one morning you finally wake to a light you recognize as the light you've wanted
every morning that has come before.
And the air has some light thing in it that you've always hoped the air might have.

And One is there to welcome you whose face you've looked for
during all the best and worst times of your life.
He takes you to himself and holds you close until you fully wake.

And it seems you've only just awakened, but you turn and
there we are, the rest of us, arriving just behind you.
We'll go the rest of the way together.

The Loneliest Number

“The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely.”
— Thomas Merton

We can all agree that being separate individuals in relationship with other separate individuals is agreeable and even desirable. In theory. The practice part is a whole different story. If we allow ourselves to be honest, the idea of being separate (100% complete and whole on my own, responsible for myself and only myself) can seem threatening. Honesty would have us consider that fusion (1+1=1) is what we're really seeking and perhaps pursuing. Otherwise, we'd all be in healthy, functional, thriving and growing relationships. And honesty tells us that isn't the case. 

Hayley Quinn, the UK’s leading Dating Expert and self described "magnet for chaos" who "liked chaos because when [she] was in chaos [she] didn't have to confront anything that [she] was", explains, "Love is sold as the ultimate solution to ourselves, the thing that makes our past okay, that gives us direction for our future and imbues our everyday reality with meaning" which is an "act of escapism" where relationships are driven by the fear of loneliness, not love. 

Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg has focused much of his clinical work on the dynamics between people who seek fulfillment in another person (friend, child, parent, significant other). Isn't that what fuels Hollywood, the Top 40 and bestsellers? Something in me is deficient or lacking and the solution is found in you and what you can give me. On some level, we've all subconsciously drunk the Kool-Aid. 

Don't get me wrong. Relationships are necessary and important for human flourishing. But when pressure is placed that they be more than they are intended to be, that's when things get dicey.

“Loneliness is experienced as toxic.”

According to Rosenberg, the pain of being alone is so intolerable that it creates a distorted definition of self.  Loneliness is experienced as toxic and we search for ways to eliminate this feeling, at whatever cost. Some feel the need to rescue another and some want to be rescued. Others think solely of their own needs and seek people who will meet those needs by denying their own. The goal is to find security in another because we fear what we are as an individual.

No one wants to admit any of this might be true of them. But like my friend Jeremy says, "Reality is our friend and sometimes our friend is ugly". Ugly but a friend, nonetheless, and good friends help us grow. 

“Reality is your friend and sometimes your friend is ugly.”

Reality check:

  • We pursue relationships out of fear of being alone rather than for the gift that they can be.
  • We're unable/unwilling to process intimacy, pain, and disappointment because we are convinced that others will make us better.
  • We depend on and need others to validate and approve our choices while sacrificing our own voice, thoughts, contributions.
  • Power is outsourced, demanding others be responsible for and manage our internal world. 

The lower the self-awareness, the higher the tendency to give power externally. But what if you accept the invitation to look inside? What will you learn when you take responsibility for yourself and not place that on someone else? What if you consider what your voice would say?

You'll find a richness when you see your own competence and durability to not implode under crisis or grief. You'll find more of your internal strength when no one else can fight the battle for you. You'll see and be aware of your own capability to be your own best ally.

Loneliness loses its toxicity because you're learning to enjoy your own company. Instead of pursuing relationship out of fear, you're "inviting someone to see, value, hold, and appreciate the beauty of your own inscape that no one else can see" (Dr. Leah McDill). That's fertile soil for any relationship worth having. 

“Loneliness loses its toxicity because you’re learning to enjoy your own company.”

You Do You

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.”
— Thomas Merton

Relationships are one of the most meaningful things we create and share with another human being. They are simultaneously wonderful and hard, requiring work to maintain. As mentioned in last week's post, thriving relationships lead to personal happiness and well-being. So they are worthy of our effort and attention.

From Dr. Dan Siegel, we know that one must feel seen, safe, and soothed in order to be secure and thrive. If this is our foundation, what are the walls that help create a sturdy home in which to inhabit? 

My colleague, Rachel Gardner, and I were discussing what it looks like for two individuals to healthily relate to one another. She shared three vital components: Separate/Equal/Open. (While this goes for all forms of relationship, (platonic, parent-child, romantic), I'll be using language in reference to romantic partnership. The following material is informed by Roberta Gilbert's, Extraordinary Relationships.)

Separate

In relationship, you maintain your individuality while still experiencing intimacy and closeness. You understand that you do not complete another person because you are already 100% whole on your own (sorry, Jerry). And the same goes for your partner; they are not deficient nor are they lacking without you. Your identities remain in tact with or without the relationship.

The letters H vs A provide a helpful illustration. The horizontal line represents the relationship and the vertical/diagonal lines the two individuals in relationship. H shows separateness. Two individuals standing on their own but in relationship. Should the relationship dissolve, though painful, they are still individuals standing on their own. In contrast A shows that even without the relationship, these individuals are still dependent upon one another to exist...they need the other for support. 

Equal

You see yourself as equal to your partner. Your partner is seen as equal to you. Neither is more or less than who either of you are as individuals. Because you come to the table as separate individuals, it allows you to stand as equals in the relationship. This means each person has equal capability to take responsibility for themselves and only themselves.

Open

You make yourself available to the other. You don't cut off contact when either of you is upset or distressed but you also don't chase. "Chasing" would be qualified as anything pushy or pulling. You have a posture that is inviting, not manipulative or demanding. You allow the other person to have their process and they are aware that you're there when and if they would like to speak and share. You are, as Rachel says, "calmly present and accounted for" to your partner.

What a Separate/Equal/Open relationships looks like:

  • You are not dependent upon your partner for your happiness or emotional fulfillment because that is your responsibility to give to yourself. You may experience happiness with them but it is because you are choosing to feel happy.
  • You are in charge of your own self: managing and communicating your own emotions and thoughts. That is not your partner's responsibility. Nor is it your responsibility to manage or interpret their emotions and thoughts.
  • You are present with and make yourself available to one another.
  • "Awareness also marks the ideal relationship" according to Gilbert. In order to relate healthily and create a thriving relationship, we must be responsible to know ourselves, what makes us the separate individual we are: the stories and nuances and patterns we bring.

Does this describe your current relationship? Or might you be relying on your partner (or child or friend) to fulfill you? Maybe you feel empty without a relationship? Do you find that you are trying to meet someone's emotional needs or want to control how they respond?

If you struggle to define your relationship as separate and equal and open, begin the work of self-examination. If you don't invest in your own individual awareness, you will unknowingly rely on another to complete these "missing" things that you've yet to discover about yourself. This will inevitably create an unhealthy "A" dynamic. No relationship can thrive under that kind of pressure or demand to support another's emotional weight.

By knowing ourselves, it allows us to offer something to another freely and willingly, without expectation they be something for us. In turn, we are able to accept what our partner freely and willingly offers. And isn't that the type of relationship we long to have?

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
(Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969)

You are you and I am I.

You are you and I am I.

The Gift of Sight

“I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, to be understood and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give is to see, hear, understand and to touch another person. When this is done I feel contact has been made. ”
— Virginia Satir

I'm big on attachment. We were biologically designed to attach to others. We make sense of who we are and the outside world through the lens of how we experience attachment.  Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and Executive Director of the Mindsight Institute, defines attachment in this way:

“Attachment is about two things: a safe haven of security and a lauching pad in which you can go and explore the world. It’s not just about connection but about connection and exploration.”
— Dr. Dan Siegel

The 4 markers (S's) of healthy attachment according to Dr. Siegel are the following: an individual feels Seen, feels Safe, has the ability to be easily Soothed when in distress and a sense of Security is developed. He explains, "When children feel seen, safe, and soothed, they feel secure and they thrive."

Individuals who are characterized with healthy attachment are able to look at the events of their life and create a coherent narrative which allows them to be fully present and engaged in life, internally and externally. In other words, as Dr. Siegel says, "Presence allows for interpersonal and internal attunement."

“4 S’s of attachment: Seen, Safe, Soothed and Secure

When children feel seen, safe, and soothed, they feel secure and they thrive.”
— Dr. Dan Siegel

This type of relationship formed through secure attachment is the number one factor for our happiness and well-being. Robert Waldinger, psychiatrist and director of a 75-year-old Harvard study on adult development, summarizes their findings: "Good relationships keep us happier and healthier."

This study showed that having someone you can safely rely upon helps with nervous system relaxation and reduces emotional pain. The correlation then is that those who feel lonely will most likely see a decline in physical health and die younger. 

“Good relationships keep us happier and healthier.”
— Robert Waldinger

Waldinger emphasizes depth over breadth of relationship and it is not limited to romantic either. He says that the "quality of your close relationships" matters. Is there depth and honesty? Are you able to fully relax and be vulnerable, letting yourself to be seen for who you are?

If this is the foundation of our happiness and well-being, it is crucial to pay attention to our what our relationships demonstrate about our attachment styles. You may feel disconnected from your own emotional life or the emotional life of others. Or you're anxious and uncertain in your relationships, experiencing inner emotional turmoil. Maybe you find that most of your relationships are not trustworthy, seem shallow to you and you withhold much of yourself.

If this is the case for you, you are not alone. We may have learned that it is not safe to be in relationships. To be seen meant there would be harm. Or we were shamed for wanting closeness and thus could not be soothed. There is nothing inherently wrong with you because you struggle to make and have meaningful relationships of depth and trust. But if it's true that securely attached relationships provide us with happiness and well-being, then please do yourself the honor of learning what it could be like to feel seen, safe, soothed and secure. For many, they begin to discover and taste this type of relationship in the presence of a counselor and find that this experienced security then translates to other relationships. Being seen is available to you and it makes all the difference.