G.O.A.T.

“Once our basic needs are met, we human beings arguably crave value above all else.”

— Tony Schwartz, "The Enduring Hunt for Personal Value"

Over the last year, we've been privy to some spectacular athletic feats on the track, on the field, in the pool, and on the court. Usain Bolt, Tom Brady, Michael Phelps, Katie Ledecky, Serena. Inarguably holding in their respective fields, the coveted, "Greatest Of All Time". 

The amount of time and energy (emotional, physical and mental) sacrificed at the altar of winning can be brutal. To be within the league of the elite, one must live with an intensely hyper focused drive to endure the training regimen these Olympic and World Champions put their mind and bodies through. Why? Why not retire after your 5th gold medal or 3rd Super Bowl ring? Most will never know the feeling of standing on the top podium representing your country, let alone having done it 28 times. 

“With success comes a level of sadness. You think, “I’ll reach this goal and then I’ll feel a sense of completeness. I’ll feel that I have accomplished something. I will see myself as a worthy man.” And it doesn’t really exist.”

— Vincent Kartheiser

In an interview, Vincent Kartheiser, actor on Mad Men, captures the answer to the continued pursuit to be on top, "With success comes a level of sadness. You think, "I'll reach this goal and then I'll feel a sense of completeness, of wholeness. I'll feel that I have accomplished something. I will see myself as a worthy man." And it doesn't really exist." 

Expounding on Kartheiser's sobering reflection, Tony Schwartz, writes in a New York Times article, entitled, "The Enduring Hunt for Personal Value", "Once our basic needs are met, we human beings arguably crave value above all else. We each want desperately to matter, to feel a sense of worthiness."

No matter our profession or economic bracket this desire to be valued is the great equalizer. Inherently, we all want to know that we are worthy. That's why shame is so incredibly toxic. Shame tells us that we are inherently defective. To combat this feeling, we continue our vain attempts at proving shame wrong through perfectionism, being the best.

Shame researcher, Brene Brown, writes, “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” She talks about the antidote to shame: “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” This is the definition of vulnerability. In order to grow an unshakable sense of value and worth, we must decide to offer our truest stories to safe people who will receive us with unconditional empathy. This suffocates shame.

As we do this over time, the pull towards success and perfectionism becomes less strong. The desire to be wholly seen, warts and all, while still scary, is not as threatening as it once was, so we live with a courageous invitation to be known, first and foremost to ourselves. This posture spurs us toward an openness in relationship. And we come upon a redefined experience of value that has nothing to do with output and everything to do with the source. 

“The desire to be wholly seen, warts and all, while still scary, is not as threatening as it once was, so we live with a courageous invitation to be known.”

A Blessing, Find the Light

I wish upon you peace. I wish upon you grace. I wish for you less of what you want and more of what you need. I wish upon you an old life with a heart that stays young. But most of all I wish upon you love.

I wish upon you truth when all you feel is doubt. I hope you know that an open mind still knows what to shut things out. I wish upon you a brave heart that will always rise above. But most of all I wish upon you love.

As the sun sets the moon begins to rise. So even in the darkness you'll find the light. You'll find the light. You'll find the light.

I wish upon you an easy life. I wish upon you hard times. I hope you know that both joy and pain each need their moment to shine. I wish you ears that are quick to listen, that you're slow to use that tongue. But most of all I wish upon you love.

As the sun sets the moon begins to rise. So even in the darkness you'll find the light. You'll find the light. You'll find the light. You'll find the light. Yes, even in the darkness you'll find the light.

                                                                                                    -David Ramirez, Find the Light

I hope to walk with you in the darkness and perhaps have the honor of helping you find the light.

Chill Out

We are one stressed out culture. It's become a normal response for one's emotional descriptors ("how are you?" "I'm super stressed."). We tend to be content with this constant mental and emotional state. This unwelcomed guest somehow becomes a permanent resident and our bodies take the hit. Stress has been linked to a higher risk of heart attack and stroke among other health issues.

But our minds and bodies inform the other, which means we have the ability to lead a more stress-free life. Research has shown that incorporating calming techniques consistently over time shows quantifiable changes in our bodies' stress signals and stress hormones. According to a Time magazine article, "studies have found that the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judging it makes people better able to adapt to change and respond to stress". 

“Paying attention to the present moment without judging it makes people better able to adapt to change and respond to stress.”

— Mandy Oaklander, Time

If we want to elicit an aloha state of mind, it might be helpful to have a few simple practices that can lead to a more present and engaged way of living, thus reducing our stress. Each of these exercises can be done throughout the day, even in one's office right before that board meeting.

Safe/comfortable place: guided imagery that allows one to imagine a place, real or imagined, that brings about feelings of calm, safety and/or greater comfort. Going to one's safe/comfortable place when feeling any form of distress can help shift to feeling more calm and relaxed.

Body scan: eyes closed, lying down or sitting in a chair, focus on body sensations beginning from your toes traveling up to each body part until you reach the top of your head. Should you run into any sort of tension in the body part you are focusing on, be intentional to relax and release whatever disturbance you are noticing. At the end of your body scan, spend a few moments with your entire body completely relaxed (similar to the yoga "corpse" pose...terrible name, I know).

Breathing exercise:  a 3-year-old client once told me that he takes "deep breaths" when he is scared. He knows that our breath (physical) is related to states of calm or anxiety (emotional). The more shallow the breath, the more anxious we are. The deeper our breaths (from the diaphragm), the more calm and relaxed we are. Breathing while paying attention to the actual breath helps teach mindfulness. Notice the thoughts that come up and let them pass without getting stuck. Physically exhale and mentally exhale the thought.  

Mindful movement: from gentle yoga stretches (such as "downward dog", "child's pose", or "cat-cow") to walking creates a focus on one's body and the various sensations. This is not the same as a cardio workout or getting a perfect pose but rather bringing attention to each breath and physical sensation with each step or stretch. 

Peace be with you.

Hawaii On My Mind

You’ll come to learn that I have a love affair with words. So much so that I can easily fall into an etymological wormhole. (Thanks, Google.) I recently learned of the definition to a familiar Hawaiian greeting. Aloha means “to consciously manifest life joyously in the present". Is that not one of the most beautiful things you’ve read? I imagine that being surrounded by the crystal blue waters of the Pacific Ocean, gorgeous palm tree lined landscape and simplicity of island living would make aloha easily accessible. But for those of us on the mainland, how might we channel this ancient philosophy? Let’s pick apart aloha (compliments of Google) to see if we might bring some of that island magic to the contiguous U.S.

• Consciously: in a deliberate and intentional way
• Manifest: display or show (a quality or feeling) by one's acts or appearance; demonstrate
• Life: vitality, vigor, or energy
• Joyously: with great happiness and joy
• Present: existing or occurring now

This small 5-letter word holds a lot of weight. Deliberately and intentionally displaying a sense or feeling of vitality, with great happiness and joy, in the immediate. It sounds great on paper (or screen) but practically speaking, it’s a lot of work to carry out. But if I want these tenants to be true characteristics of how I’m relating to the world, I’m going to have to roll up my sleeves. Just like if I want to run a marathon, I’m going to have to hit the pavement.

“The more and more we cultivate a mindful life, we become more engaged, more rooted, and more us.”

I think meditation and mindfulness can help direct us towards aloha. According to a New York Times article, mindfulness meditation creates a mental state "that can reduce stress, increase calmness and clarity and promote happiness". This is achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. Mindfulness meditation is captured in the very notion of showing up to the moment without judgment or shame nor does it call for a Pollyanna ignorance and naivete. We can allow ourselves to sit, aware of what our 5 senses are telling us about the now and giving space to exist now, not in the past 5 minutes or 5 years or the next 5 minutes of the next 50 years but in the very second. We find that the present offers us something and we don’t want to miss it lest we rob ourselves. The more and more we cultivate a mindful life, we become more engaged, more rooted, and more us. And maybe, we can begin to smell some of that salt air in our landlocked city.

{The above-mentioned article also provides guided meditations ranging from 1-minute to 15-mintes.}

A Blessing, Solitude

May you recognize in your life the presence, power, and light of your soul. May you realize that you are never alone, that your soul in its brightness and belonging connects you intimately with the rhythm of the universe. May you have respect for your individuality and difference. May you realize you have a special destiny here, that behind the facade of your life there is something beautiful and eternal happening. May you learn to see your self with the same delight, pride, and expectation with which God sees you in every moment. Amen.

                                                    -John O'Donohue, Blessing for Solitude

Gold Digger

Supply/Demand. Sold out. Often times we fear that the fluctuating market of our emotional experiences will leave us wanting, with little to no provision remaining. This is especially true when we are in a season of struggle. We respond by isolating our emotional resources from others because we are afraid the demand cannot be met. But what if there was an endless supply? What if there was excess available to you? What if that mine of treasures was within your possession and you were not left to scavenge? You do not need to hoard for fear the well of emotional sturdiness will run dry.

“You do not need to hoard for fear the well of emotional sturdiness will run dry.”

We rarely take inventory of our internal resources until they become threatened in some way. Whether that be through relational conflict, loneliness, life demands, or transition. We then ask and assess, “Do I have what it takes?”  and “Can I deal?”  We are afraid to answer because we fear the possibility that we don’t have what it takes and might be incapable to deal.

I consider my clients some of the most courageous people I know because they risk asking and investigating what they possess in order to face what comes their way. They do so with vulnerability, authenticity, and a fortitude that looks a lot like grit. Because the unknown is more paralyzing than the answer, they set forth to find what treasure trove lies beneath, what their endurance will reveal about their truest selves. Over time, they discover they are lavishly supplied with what they need and more importantly, that they are their own source. They are then able to offer more of their emotional energy and strength in relationship to self and others because they know they are internally rich. I encourage you to consider going on a treasure hunt, who knows what you’ll find.  

Power Walking

Author of the best-selling 2012 memoir Wild, Cheryl Strayed, recently shared thoughts after participating in the Women’s March. She noted the significant impact of moving forward, one step at a time, when it feels impossible. She tells Entertainment Weekly, “I wept in the days after the election. I just cried and cried and cried, and I’ve never had that experience before. I’ve been pissed off, but this was different. I was like, What are we going to do? Keep going. It sounds trite, but it's absolutely true. That’s why walking is so healing. You’re doing with your body what you need to do with your spirit.”

“That’s why walking is so healing. You’re doing with your body what you need to do with your spirit.”

— Cheryl Strayed

Regardless of political affiliation, I think there is something valuable in her words and insight. True to the human experience are moments of disappointment, fear, anger, disempowerment, and being minimized and dismissed. We cry and cry and cry some more. We wonder what we are going to do in response. Sometimes we might sit in denial or self-pity. We may try and reason away with logic as a way of distancing from our "unruly" emotions. Maybe we resign to a new reality that compromises our personal values and ethics. 

There is another option that Strayed knows well. Having hiked the arduous 1,100-mile Pacific Crest Trail, she exhorts: We keep going. But not by ignoring our experience or pitying or betraying ourselves. We keep going, accompanied with an honest acknowledgment of what has happened and an agency that we have a responsibility to our own personal health and growth, no matter how messy it might be and feel.

Because we are not just physical beings and we are not just emotional beings, it is necessary that in seeking wholeness, we must pursue the whole of us. Therefore, we walk, physically. We walk, emotionally. We walk, spiritually. We walk with others who know what it’s like to be gut-punched and come out on the other side. We walk with others who will carry us when we are too weak to move forward and challenges us when we want to stay put.

Strayed concludes her interview, “Yesterday was so sad and it’s still going to be sad tomorrow, but right now, here, we are walking together. I always say, at any moment of your life, if you go stop and walk for 15 minutes, you always feel better...Just go walk and your head gets cleared or something.” (That whole mind-body connection thing.) As she plans for her next book she explains, “Often your best writing does come out of suffering or passion or struggle.” Is that not true to life as well? We walk through our suffering, passion, or struggle and emerge, Wild and free.

Shalom

Completeness. Wholeness. Fullness. Peace. With these weighty and profound definitions, it is no wonder that שָׁלוֹם is my favorite Hebrew word. Though not Jewish, I find a level of richness in this ancient language.  Each Hebrew word conveys a feeling, intent, and emotion that is not easily found in present day Western vernacular. Shalom conveys far more than simply peace. It defines a way of living marked by a complete and absolute peace that leads to one’s flourishing.  Do we not all inherently crave and long for shalom? I believe we were made to experience thriving in this life and the desire lies deep within our bones. When this sense of internal tranquility is disrupted or threatened in some way, we begin to feel confused and perhaps lost. Because we were made to be at peaceful rest within ourselves and in relationship with others, anything that takes away from this foundation may elicit feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, and inner conflict and turmoil.

There will consistently be situations that arise that shift our sense of shalom. And that is okay. We have been misinformed that struggle and discord are inherently wrong and prevent meaning and purpose. I think there is a correlation between shalom and suffering. Our response, whether we choose to find our way back to shalom or not, will inevitably determine the depth and degree of how wholly we will live. The choice is individual. The journey back to right orientation within is not for the faint of heart. It requires examination of ways we have brought or allowed discord into our own lives. The process can be wildly painful, but to me the reward is worthy of the cost. So our suffering becomes the source of shalom pointing us towards how things are supposed to be. We choose whether that will be our reality. Fellow sojourner, it is my hope that you will give yourself the gift of searching for shalom. I imagine the life of flourishing you will find and claim along the way.