A Blessing, Velveteen Rabbit

“The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it. 

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" 

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." 

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. 

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." 

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" 

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." 

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled. 

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.” 
                                                                                     

                                                                               -Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Belongingness

“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody. I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.”

— Mother Teresa

We are a tribal species. No man is an island, you've heard. Studies have proven this inherent pull to be a part of something is crucial to our ability to not only survive but thrive.

In a CNN article entitled, "The Importance of Belonging", Amanda Enayati reported on such consequences, "Isolation, loneliness and low social status can harm a person's subjective sense of well-being, as well as his or her intellectual achievement, immune function and health. Research shows that even a single instance of exclusion can undermine well-being, IQ test performance and self-control." 

It is clear we were wired to belong. But there are many things that can threaten our sense of belonging. Whether through a choice we made with isolating consequences, difficult life circumstances or harm inflicted by another, we find ourselves lost and alone.

How are we to find our way to a place with receptive and open arms? Storytelling. Social psychologist and Stanford assistant professor Gregory Walton found that placing our traumatic experiences in a narrative "with a beginning, a middle and an end" provides "meaning [that] the negative experience is constrained, and people understand that when bad things happen, it's not just them, they are not alone, and that it's something that passes."  Through sharing their experiences, his studies' subjects learned that they are not alone when terrible things occur. It brings awareness that others have also experienced similar things. 

“How are we to find our way to a place with receptive and open arms? Storytelling.”

By withholding our stories, we choose to live cut off which can lead to feelings of isolation and depression. However, by offering our stories, we can discover an emotional connection to another that fosters a sense of belonging which can lead to healing. We are comforted that we are not alone in our struggles. 

Academy award winner Mahershala Ali speaks to the importance of both telling and listening to stories, "When you peel all the layers away, we're all the same. We're all dealing with wanting to be a part of a tribe. We all need to be supported. We all need a presence in our lives." The beloved saint would agree. 

“We’re all dealing with wanting to be a part of a tribe. We all need to be supported. We all need a presence in our lives.”

— Mahershala Ali

Beyond the Beast

As we continue to dive into this notion that compassion gives life to empathy, I thought it might be helpful to pull from another beautiful piece of literature, La Belle et la Bête by French novelist Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve. This fairy tale is better recognized from the Disney film adaptation, Beauty & the Beast. 

“We give shame the authority to be narrator and shame’s theme is that we are unworthy of love, of belonging, of kindness.”

While the Beast's plight is due to his own arrogance and pride, unlike Boo Radley, they both experience the painful consequence of being outsiders. They are dismissed and discarded; they are unseen. When we agree with the narrative that others create for us, we become what it is they believe and cast away any notion that it could be different. We give shame the authority to be the narrator and shame's theme is that we are unworthy of love, of belonging, of kindness. And so our Beast, believing he is unworthy of redemption, remains isolated, ferocious, and terrifying. He relates to the outside world the way he does to his internal world. 

That is, until, a woman steps in to counter the story he has surrendered himself to.

Emma Watson, who plays Belle in the live-action version of the original animated film, describes the power in their relationship, "What's so beautiful about this story as a whole is this idea that Belle is able to see past these extraneous, external, superficial qualities of Beast. She is able to see deeper, and that's one of her special powers. It is her superpower: empathy." 

“She is able to see deeper, and that’s one of her special powers. It is her superpower: empathy.”

— Emma Watson on Belle

She juxtaposes Beast to Gaston, "[Beast] has been damaged and needs rehabilitating. He is just in need of love, whereas Gaston is someone who has had nothing but love and admiration and easiness and because he's never suffered, he doesn't have any empathy." How interesting that she correlates suffering to empathy. But is that not true? If we are unwilling to be affected by hardship and pain, we will remain blind.

Belle's own sufferings have allowed her to see "deeper" and in seeing Beast, she saves him. All it takes is one person to see who we were meant to be and can be that can unshackle us from shame. Empathy is  powerfully healing. Empathy says, "I see you. I see your pain. I see your struggle. I see your hopes and longings. I'm here and I'm with you." We need empathy to find our way to our truest self. 

“All it takes is one person to see who we were meant to be and can be.

Empathy says, “I see you. I see your pain. I see your struggle. I see your hopes and longings. I’m here and I’m with you.””

A Blessing, Wander

All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king.

                                                                                         -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Porch views

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

— Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

One of my favorite pieces of literature is Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird. I read it for the first time as a freshman in high school as part of our summer reading assignments. The relationship formed between Scout Finch and Boo Radley left me with a powerful example of compassion. At the end of the novel, young Scout stands on the porch of the reclusive town outcast Boo Radley. She looks out and for the first time, sees how he sees and experiences the world. And something within her shifts. 

It is a profound gift to offer and receive the compassion of another human being. Someone willing to step into our skin, to stand on our porch, in order to understand. Compassion begets empathy; empathy is the foundation for authentic relational connection. Without the cornerstone of compassion, we cannot be in healthy, thriving relationship. Relationship is disrupted when we demand others behave as we want and judge their motives. It is only when we choose to see the world as others see can we begin to understand what author Ian Morgan Cron describes, "one's behavior is born out of a singular biography, a particular wound, a fractured vision of life". This is true for our own stories; we all see from our own porch steps. In order to live fully, we must pay attention to the experiences that have shaped us. The more we acknowledge these defining stories, the more deeply we will feel compassion for others and ourselves.  

While we can't change WHAT we see or what others see, we can consider HOW we see. This posture creates a beautiful greenhouse of transformation. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist teacher, explains, "When our hearts are small, our understanding and compassion are limited, and we suffer. We can't accept or tolerate others and their shortcomings, and we demand that they change. But when our hearts expand, these same things don't make us suffer anymore. We have a lot of understanding and compassion and can embrace others. We accept others as they are, and then they have a chance to transform." 

As we cultivate a heart of compassion, our vision becomes more clear; our vantage point expands to see what we couldn't see before and something within us shifts.

““Atticus, he was real nice.”

”Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them.””

— To Kill a Mockingbird

G.O.A.T.

“Once our basic needs are met, we human beings arguably crave value above all else.”

— Tony Schwartz, "The Enduring Hunt for Personal Value"

Over the last year, we've been privy to some spectacular athletic feats on the track, on the field, in the pool, and on the court. Usain Bolt, Tom Brady, Michael Phelps, Katie Ledecky, Serena. Inarguably holding in their respective fields, the coveted, "Greatest Of All Time". 

The amount of time and energy (emotional, physical and mental) sacrificed at the altar of winning can be brutal. To be within the league of the elite, one must live with an intensely hyper focused drive to endure the training regimen these Olympic and World Champions put their mind and bodies through. Why? Why not retire after your 5th gold medal or 3rd Super Bowl ring? Most will never know the feeling of standing on the top podium representing your country, let alone having done it 28 times. 

“With success comes a level of sadness. You think, “I’ll reach this goal and then I’ll feel a sense of completeness. I’ll feel that I have accomplished something. I will see myself as a worthy man.” And it doesn’t really exist.”

— Vincent Kartheiser

In an interview, Vincent Kartheiser, actor on Mad Men, captures the answer to the continued pursuit to be on top, "With success comes a level of sadness. You think, "I'll reach this goal and then I'll feel a sense of completeness, of wholeness. I'll feel that I have accomplished something. I will see myself as a worthy man." And it doesn't really exist." 

Expounding on Kartheiser's sobering reflection, Tony Schwartz, writes in a New York Times article, entitled, "The Enduring Hunt for Personal Value", "Once our basic needs are met, we human beings arguably crave value above all else. We each want desperately to matter, to feel a sense of worthiness."

No matter our profession or economic bracket this desire to be valued is the great equalizer. Inherently, we all want to know that we are worthy. That's why shame is so incredibly toxic. Shame tells us that we are inherently defective. To combat this feeling, we continue our vain attempts at proving shame wrong through perfectionism, being the best.

Shame researcher, Brene Brown, writes, “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” She talks about the antidote to shame: “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” This is the definition of vulnerability. In order to grow an unshakable sense of value and worth, we must decide to offer our truest stories to safe people who will receive us with unconditional empathy. This suffocates shame.

As we do this over time, the pull towards success and perfectionism becomes less strong. The desire to be wholly seen, warts and all, while still scary, is not as threatening as it once was, so we live with a courageous invitation to be known, first and foremost to ourselves. This posture spurs us toward an openness in relationship. And we come upon a redefined experience of value that has nothing to do with output and everything to do with the source. 

“The desire to be wholly seen, warts and all, while still scary, is not as threatening as it once was, so we live with a courageous invitation to be known.”

A Blessing, Find the Light

I wish upon you peace. I wish upon you grace. I wish for you less of what you want and more of what you need. I wish upon you an old life with a heart that stays young. But most of all I wish upon you love.

I wish upon you truth when all you feel is doubt. I hope you know that an open mind still knows what to shut things out. I wish upon you a brave heart that will always rise above. But most of all I wish upon you love.

As the sun sets the moon begins to rise. So even in the darkness you'll find the light. You'll find the light. You'll find the light.

I wish upon you an easy life. I wish upon you hard times. I hope you know that both joy and pain each need their moment to shine. I wish you ears that are quick to listen, that you're slow to use that tongue. But most of all I wish upon you love.

As the sun sets the moon begins to rise. So even in the darkness you'll find the light. You'll find the light. You'll find the light. You'll find the light. Yes, even in the darkness you'll find the light.

                                                                                                    -David Ramirez, Find the Light

I hope to walk with you in the darkness and perhaps have the honor of helping you find the light.

Chill Out

We are one stressed out culture. It's become a normal response for one's emotional descriptors ("how are you?" "I'm super stressed."). We tend to be content with this constant mental and emotional state. This unwelcomed guest somehow becomes a permanent resident and our bodies take the hit. Stress has been linked to a higher risk of heart attack and stroke among other health issues.

But our minds and bodies inform the other, which means we have the ability to lead a more stress-free life. Research has shown that incorporating calming techniques consistently over time shows quantifiable changes in our bodies' stress signals and stress hormones. According to a Time magazine article, "studies have found that the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judging it makes people better able to adapt to change and respond to stress". 

“Paying attention to the present moment without judging it makes people better able to adapt to change and respond to stress.”

— Mandy Oaklander, Time

If we want to elicit an aloha state of mind, it might be helpful to have a few simple practices that can lead to a more present and engaged way of living, thus reducing our stress. Each of these exercises can be done throughout the day, even in one's office right before that board meeting.

Safe/comfortable place: guided imagery that allows one to imagine a place, real or imagined, that brings about feelings of calm, safety and/or greater comfort. Going to one's safe/comfortable place when feeling any form of distress can help shift to feeling more calm and relaxed.

Body scan: eyes closed, lying down or sitting in a chair, focus on body sensations beginning from your toes traveling up to each body part until you reach the top of your head. Should you run into any sort of tension in the body part you are focusing on, be intentional to relax and release whatever disturbance you are noticing. At the end of your body scan, spend a few moments with your entire body completely relaxed (similar to the yoga "corpse" pose...terrible name, I know).

Breathing exercise:  a 3-year-old client once told me that he takes "deep breaths" when he is scared. He knows that our breath (physical) is related to states of calm or anxiety (emotional). The more shallow the breath, the more anxious we are. The deeper our breaths (from the diaphragm), the more calm and relaxed we are. Breathing while paying attention to the actual breath helps teach mindfulness. Notice the thoughts that come up and let them pass without getting stuck. Physically exhale and mentally exhale the thought.  

Mindful movement: from gentle yoga stretches (such as "downward dog", "child's pose", or "cat-cow") to walking creates a focus on one's body and the various sensations. This is not the same as a cardio workout or getting a perfect pose but rather bringing attention to each breath and physical sensation with each step or stretch. 

Peace be with you.